In a previous blog, THE LAST 5 MINUTES: 8 Concepts and Contemplations in Healing, nurse practitioner Mindy Daigle outlines eight ideas that can help a person heal. In the following post, she zeroes in on item #3 on her list.

This is a process of making peace with what is, employing a delicate balance between pushing forward with treatment while compassionately accepting the present moment.

When something is happening in your body you first become aware of it, notice it, name it, describe it without having an emotional reaction to it, remaining neutral. Then accept what is: Pain, fatigue, GI distress, headaches. I accept it because it is. Then, letting go of judgment, exhibit compassion towards yourself while you are in this experience.

Throughout the course of a chronic illness, symptoms wax and wane. Some disappear, and new ones emerge in a seemingly endless and unpredictable pattern. It may feel unending, never quite having full relief.

It is often in these times that people may dissociate, mentally checking out from their body in order to avoid pain of all sorts. This can be a healthy adaptive response to short-term stress, but unhealthy in the context of chronic illness. We know that this stress response that is appropriate for the short- term burns out the person in the long-term because it doesn’t let up.

The dissociation may be akin to mentally distracting yourself while you get an injection. But the symptoms don’t go away in seconds like the pain of the injection would. Then you remain in this dissociated state, for example engaging in excessive daydreaming or other avoidant behaviors.

Awareness, acceptance, compassion

In this state you are not fully connected or engaged with your physical body and mind, yourself. Through a gentle process of awareness, acceptance and compassion, you can come back into your body in a way that feels safe to you. In a time frame that is comfortable for you.

First, bring awareness to your experience, keenly notice how you feel, sitting with the pain, removing highly-charged emotional responses, and observing your reactions.

Awareness expands by allowing the information  in, not pushing it away, and not creating false narratives around it. Sit with the pain, answer the phone, open the mail, respond to the text. Interact with, rather than avoid the new awareness. This may look like receiving a new diagnosis. Rather than having a strong reaction to it, calm your mind and body, allow the new information in and begin to allow the course of events to unfold.

Next, accept that your experience is reality, and one that you must interact with in order to heal. Running from it can look like over-consumption of alcohol, drug abuse, excessive gaming, or avoidant behaviors in general.

Accept, as well, that there might not be any so-called blame to go around for why you are in this condition. Although it may be no one’s fault, it will be your responsibility to change it if you want to heal. No one else can heal you. Others may facilitate conditions in which we thrive, but we heal through our own conscious thoughts and actions.

Finally, compassion for ourselves can look like removing judgment and expectations from the situation. I have found that most dictionaries inadequately define compassion. It is not the same as empathy or sympathy and is certainly not pity.

Sit in pain without judgement

My definition of it is the ability to sit in your pain without judgment, criticism or running away from it. Rather than judging yourself harshly, you commit to loving and caring for yourself in every circumstance.

It can also look like becoming more connected to others through the realization that if I feel this way then others must feel this way as well. Treat yourself like you would your own best friend if they were going through something similar. Take care of that precious person that opens your eyes every morning.

This does not mean that you are to passively sit by as a disease takes a foothold. This is a process during which you are tending to your medical needs, and need to find a place of peace and refuge in yourself all the while.

This is a tool for when you are no longer able or willing to dissociate in the midst of it, instead fully interacting with the experience. We become aware, we accept and then we show ourselves compassion.

A long-time patient who in my opinion has mastered this process told me once: “Mindy, I thought I was really turning a corner, and then BAM- new symptoms, new issues, new diagnosis. But over these years I have learned to allow myself time to assimilate the new information, understand that it is part of my new reality and have love for myself in the middle of it all. In the past when something new would come up I would either run away from it through addictions or distractions. I would get mad at myself for not preventing it or not being able to fix it. Now I don’t do that. I have found a way to be at peace through it all.”

Finding the edge

I speak often with my patients about “finding their edges.” We have conversations about their physical and mental limitations. Then we discuss how they can compassionately accept those limits and live as well as possible within them, in a state of peace of mind and body all the while.

As they remain at peace and continue to compassionately care for themselves, they may find that their edges expand, giving more room to move and breathe and experience life.

It’s in those in-between times, of stagnant edges and strict limitations, that you may be tempted to dissociate, avoid reality or judge yourself harshly. Instead, find peace within those edges, practicing self-compassion. Taking your progress in inches and turning that next corner.

Do you have experience with this process? I’d love to hear about it at: mindydaigleNP@gmail.com

See also:

THE LAST 5 MINUTES: 8 Concepts and Contemplations in Healing
THE LAST 5 MINUTES: How “keyhole sunsets” can help you heal
THE LAST 5 MINUTES: Remember, progress comes in inches, not feet

Mindy Tobin Daigle is a Nurse Practitioner at Green Oaks Medical Center, in Palo Alto, California. She collaborates with Dr. Christine Green, a Lyme and Tick-Borne Disease Specialist.